choices.

It’s almost midnight, and I totally have a stomach ache and a headache, and I think a sore throat too.  It’s probably all resulting from the popcorn intake at the drive-in. maybe I can’t blame the sore throat on that. It was colton’s birthday party tonight. we had 11 kids, and the cool part is that- get this- 11 & under are free at the drive-in. chuckle. Good deal. Here, it started out at 81 degrees and dipped to a chilly 77 degrees as we were loading up to come home. You gotta love that about AZ this time of year! we had a good time. the kids loved it and MOST important… colton felt that it was a great party. I am glad that he was happy. It’s fun to see the changes, and growth in your children. Don’t you think? I have seen some changes in him that I really like. Capri has brought out a softness in him that I didn’t really ever see before. It’s caused such different disposition in him.  It’s funny how just one person’s attitude in a family can effect the dynamics of everyone. As I sit and contemplate his life…and HIM, as an individual… I marvel at the last nine years.  I compare the kind of mother I was with colton as an infant compared to how I am now with Capri. In almost a decade, I have changed and grown significantly myself.  I can remember quite vividly the feelings I had as colton was handed to me, and we were released from the hospital. I had the “you really think I can take care of this human?” attitude with the nurses. I couldn’t have felt less capable, or qualified to be his care-taker. I can remember the thrill of each milestone and the pride that I felt in being a mother. The next two were a bit of a blur I am sad to say.  The pace of my life increased with 2 more little ones, and along with the birth of cory and the arrival of quincy, it was more of a ‘sink or swim’ mentality than ‘confidence and experience’ approach. 3 little kids close together had an intensity that nothing else really compares to- at least not that I have experienced. And because of that intensity, the learning curve and the experience gained up until this point…having a new baby again is simply the sweetest, most pure and precious experience of my life. not because I love this child any more than the others… because I feel like my love for the older children has been magnified with the arrival of this little one- but because I have a totally different perspective now.  I am so thankful for the wisdom, knowledge and experience I have gained up until this point.  I am so thankful for the calm and confidence I feel with Capri, as a result of that learning. But above all, I am thankful for the piece of heaven that Capri brings into our home.  It’s something I remember feeling when we brought Colton home. 9 years ago. 
I am a very different person than I was 9 years ago.
It makes me wonder how the changes in a woman, over the course of years that she bears/rears children, influences/impacts the outcome of the individual children.
I mentioned that we took the kids camping last weekend- and how happy they were- and how happy I was that it made them so happy!  When I see my kids out playing with each other and their friends…it makes me happy. And I think that it’s totally natural for all parents to wish and hope for happiness for their children.
Today- as I was rushing around doing my thing, Saturday stuff… normal life necessities, shopping, laundry, cleaning etc…I was in a good mood. Not for any particular reason- and Colton said to me: ‘you seem happy mom. I sure like it when you are happy’. This simple statement, accompanied by a hug around my waist and a very sincere smile, made me realize…that just as much as we hope and wish for our children’s happiness, I believe they wish for ours.  Similarly, I have that desire for my parents. I know I like it when my folks are happy too.  My point in all of this… on this night that 9 years ago- my life changed forever as I became a mother, is that a happy woman is a better mother. A better wife.  A better friend.  And as a woman… the time, and effort you invest in your own happiness- remembering to love yourself, and be careful with yourself- benefits all those around you. 
I am not always happy. I am critical and judgmental of myself. I have high expectations of myself, and don’t cut myself a lot of slack.  i am my own worst enemy… I don’t dwell on my strengths, or focus on my accomplishments… but instead tend to beat myself up about where I fell short, and how I am weak.
You know that I love that ‘she’ book by Kobi Yamada… and I read it all the time because of the strength I find there, and the way it helps me imagine the kind of woman I am striving to become.  Anyway, I picked it up again today when I was cleaning up around my studio, and the quote that stood out to me today was:
 “she was kind, loving and patient…with herself”
(in the book, the word “patient” is written larger than everything else)
I share all this because I believe that we are much more similar than we are different.
And just to remind myself, that happiness is powerful. Effective. Contagious. 
And it’s a choice.

Comments

[Vee]

I totally agree!
awesome post from and equally awesome lady
I think as mothers it makes you be a better woman and make you appreciate the little things so much more
love your post so much.
I am happy your ds had a great day, my son turns six today!
feel better!

[chanel]

I totally agree, and I have taught my hubby that if the mum isn't happy then NO ONE is .... he's finally getting it - LOL! You have to put yourself first and then you can give to everyone else in your life! gotta get me that book!

[jamie]

i totally agree...and i just made a little "SHE" inspired book for a friend who has just made some tough life changes...big move, divorce, new job, etc...and is stepping out there into this crazy busy world on her own...we need to celebrate eachother:) we are more the same than different...thanks for the inspiration Heidi!
i posted a few pics on my blog a few days ago if you want to see it.
http://jjjourneyahead.blogspot.com

[Lisa Tanner]

It's so funny to read someone's post about what inspires them (like you with the She book) and be inspired by that someone and what they say at the same time. I'm a blog stalker and always check in to see what's going on in Heidi's world! I'm always inspired. And reading the other comments gave me an idea for a gift for my best friend who recently lost her husband. The inspiration I've gotten in just a few minutes was unbelievable - THANKS!!!

I hope you feel better and Happy Birthday to Colton - it sounded like a wonderful day!

lisa

[angela]

Heidi its amazing the way you take the way we mothers feel and put it into words in a way that when we your blog, we sit at our computers going "oh my god I know exactly what she means by that"

[Momto4]

Thank you for you comments. My 4 daughters are all grown and have children of their own, but I still get so much joy from watching them as grown young women doing great things with their lives and influencing their children for good. Motherhood is tough and frustrating at times, but when you see you own child blossoming and becoming it is a joy like no other. Marilyn

[vicki f]

it is a true statement. they grow up so fast. i remember when i had my first child. i thought the same thoughts exactly. but it was a maternal instinct to care for someone so unconditionally. although he is a teenager and stretches my nerves to the snapping point, i love him so. after hearing you speak in b'ham al, i bought the "SHE" book and have it in my office and one at home. I love to see the people who come into my office and thumb through it and watch their expressions. I sit and think, "Did it inspire them as it did me."

[Grace]

I am single no children and NOT by choice and sometimes am a little jealous of "moms" but I feel blessed with lots of neices and nephews even my friends children call me aunt Grace and 1 little girl Sarah Joan every year for Mother's Day has given me a gift. She says I am like a mom in the love and caring I always give(tear)and she asked her mom if it was ok if she would feel bad, and she smiled and said she thought it was great and the truth..Most of the time single women are just not thought of because "we don't understand" and most of the time we don't there is nothing like a mother and childrens bond nothing at all and hopefully 1 day I will get it but we do understand and Heidi you help me to understand to smile with your childrens little saying and big love for mom and dad and each other. Thank you for sharing your family and hearts with all of us. Happiness is a choice...it is isn't it. I never thought of it that way thank you.

[savannahscrapbooking]

Thanks for the reminder!

[Sarah]

wow.

that's all

just wow

thank you for articulating what I (and so many other women) have inside.

[mom78968400]

Just ordered "She." Should arrive on Monday. I appreciate all that you share with us. We as moms are a community that rely on each other for support and friendship. We value our roles and the way they will not only impact our children, but those around us. Happy Birthday to Colton and to your family on the upcoming year of being a family that will continue to love, grow and make...choices

[kim Loewen]

Colton's birthday party sounded like so much fun! I wish we still had drive-ins here, it would be a blast! I truely believe in the importance of being happy and how it can really change your life. I love that 'She' book and feel like it has also given me strength in times when I have really needed it. Thanks for sharing it with me!

[michelle hill]

totally....:)
m

[Monique]

This is one of the many reasons I think you are AMAZING! :)

[Annie]

Heidi,
I read your blog all the time, but this entry brought me to tears. You know I have no children of my own, but some of what you've articulated so beautifully shows up in my job as a teacher. I enjoy the amazing experience of seeing the changes in a group of kids over the course of a year. In their own "teenager" way, they express love and appreciation for the adults in their lives, too.

This probably doesn't make much sense, and may even seem weird for a teacher to feel that way about her kids, but I hope I have appropriately expressed my appreciation to you.

Thank you. You touched my heart today.
Annie

[Lori Muse]

Thanks so much for your comments today, they were really needed. I am a mother of 4 under 5 years and can very easily lose sight of the big picture. Thanks for reminding me to make sure that I take care of myself so that I can be a better mother and nurturer for my children.

[bethy]

hi heidi,
thank you for sharing these struggles inside yourself. i LOVE what you said. it can appear sometimes that people are happy because their life is easier, or their circumstances are "better." when we look at people (like you) who seem to have it all together and don't ever appear to get frustrated. thank you for reminding us that even behind your perfect, beautiful, happy, pink world, you are just like us. and that our happiness is not given to us through our circumstances. we have to choose it. i'm signing up for your class because i think you will remember to remind me of this :) :) totally glad i found you through this white box of mine.

[Rorie]

Heidi, thanks for this insight. I plan on making a sign with that she quote and hanging it up in my scrap room, where I can see it all the time.

[Lara Cousins]

Awesome words Heidi - thank you for always sharing what's on your heart.
blessings
Lara in S.A.

[Shawnna / flipflopmom]

thanks for sharing!

[Rhea]

TFS that was one of the nicest things I ever read!! WOW thats a whole page right there! a very touching one!

[Katrina Grabowski]

This is the most beautiful thing I have ever read. One year ago my husband and I had our third son. Which was a complete surprise. Our oldest were 16 and 13 and we were done. Because of my age the doctor never checked for pregnancy we thought it was the begininng of menopause. Since everything monthly was normal and I was on birth control??? Needless to say this shock came at six months. He is such a blessing to our lives and has softened my boys as well. My husband and I are like kids with a brand new toy. Not to say it is not hard with teenagers and a newborn. You have put all my thoughts into perspective. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Woman to Woman Sincerely, Katrina

[Janelle]

amazing, your words always flow so eloquently...like a song, poem...u never seize to amaze me. so heartfelt, so raw & to the core. you always shake my thoughts up!

[sarah w]

i couldn't agree more. while i don't have children yet, i can completely agree that a happy wife makes a happy marriage and a happy husband. happiness makes everything easier in life, you can accomplish far more with a happy heart than without one.

i love the SHE book. and that quote is SO true.

glad that you're happy. and glad that you're sharing your happiness with others.

blessings,

[Raimi]

Simply loved your post today. I totally needed to read those words. I can relate! Thanks for the words of inspiration & the feeling I had after reading your post. Thank You! You are an amazing lady!

Raimi